All you want is one more Saturday.
4:53 AM

Essentially, i want to have my cake and eat it too.

i've never understood that analogy. i mean, i understand it. obviously. but taking it at face value: it makes zero sense. if you have cake in front of you, what else are you going to do with it? you're going to eat it. unless there's a reason that you shouldn't. there's something that's making you hesitant, something that's preventing you from just devouring the damn thing like you want to so badly. there's something in the way.

..wish i knew what that was.

i've turned nocturnal this week.
haven't been awake before 11am.
haven't gone to bed before 4am.
getting sick again.
and while i know i shouldn't, i can't help but stay up.

it comes down to what i want, and what i need. i dont need to be staying up so late, being so frivolous when it comes to my health. this may seem a little overdramatic or unnecessary, but for those who know my health, i really can't afford to be frivolous. i've been sick since christmas. perpetually stuck in this loop of always being just out of healthy reach. i'm pretty sure a certain someone has a voodoo Hilary that he just pokes and jabs and then sticks in the freezer so she can never be warm, never be happy, never be healthy. i swear.

i want to know answers.
i want to know if it could be worth it.
i want to know if i should just leave it be, be happy with what i have, not making unecessary waves.
but who wants to surf when there aren't any waves? really.



just looking for a sign.

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