Mind maggots and anxiety bubbles. 11:28 PM

When you've got something on your brain, it tends to worm its way out. The only way out is through, so of course it works its little mind maggot booty (mind maggot: a wonderful description by a good friend that is only fitting) in and out and around your everyday happenings until all of a sudden you're spitting out your quinoa stirfry on said good friend because the little guy has come out one of your ears.

Yes, this post is on change, but it's also going to dive into the topic of anxiety a little bit as well.

See folks, I'm finishing my last week at my current day job and embarking on a new one. This is an awesome opportunity and I am so welcome to the change that will ultimately come with the new job, and really, new lifestyle. I'll be a commuter. I'll be waking up before 9am and concocting creative lunch combinations after doing the dinner dishes. I will be going to sleep before midnight (or so I hope). It's gonna be an overhaul, but I'm looking forward to it. For the most part.

Once and a while, as I'm sure you've all experienced (and if you haven't, well dutty for you and your smooth sailing existence), we all tend to get bombarded by an anxiety bubble. It's like acid reflux of the mental variety, where that mind maggot you've been harboring has just left, and in his wake leaves behind a brewing bubble of anxiety. It starts low, somewhere between your toes and your belly, moving through your system until you have a shiver of something. A little chill of, hmm? What was that? Self-doubt? Insecurity? Worry and a general feeling of discontent? Yes, my friend, that is an anxiety bubble that is about to burst all over your quinoa, like I said. Or wait, was that the mind maggot? Both go hand in hand, and if you can picture it, let's just conclude that the maggots travel in bubbles like space ships of self deprecation.

Anyways. My maggots and bubbles have boiled over and I've had some wonderful worry a-happenin' about the new adventure. Again, I'm so incredibly excited that I can't contain myself, and I also happen to be a great big fan of change as it is oh-so-healthy and necessary. This time, however, I just happen to have some extra characters in my usual theatrical inner-workings.

I dove head-first into quotes about change, and good ol' Dostoevsky helped a sister out to say it best.  But, Mr. D, I'm going to take my step, utter my words (with my foot locked and loaded for a clean catapult into my mouth when needed) and take that fear and swallow it whole. Heck, the maggots need a snack, so lets give them some fear to nibble on while I'm busy gettin' my change on.

A few deep thoughts 12:12 AM

Do you ever get smacked in the face with the person you used to be?

We all change. We all evolve, adapt, and move onward and upward and away from things that in their moment were the most important things in your life, until the next most important thing shows up. Some of these important things stay with you, and some don't make the cut. And tonight it hit me: I left a few things behind that I really should have packed in my life pocket.

This has got to be one of my favourite photos I've ever taken. It's the result of planning, determination, and a few frozen butts in the middle of November. Hard work, baby. But back then, I had vision. I had drive. What I left behind when I finished school and transitioned to real life? My spark.

It's hard to transition to being a real live grownup (really, I'm still a toddler with chocolate on her face, but don't tell anyone) after living as a student with boundless dreams and ideas surrounding your every move. Suddenly it's all about making it work: money, love, life, happiness, and suddenly... things fall through the cracks. I'm unhappy to announce that I've lost myself! Or, to be specific, a few pieces of myself that I'd love to restore: my drive, my spark, and my love of creative photography.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a photographer since those carefree days! I've been fairly successful with my wedding, family, and portrait work that has kept me on my toes for the mostpart. But tonight it hit me: I've lost the reason why I dove into this crazy profession in the first place! My inspiration for the crazy, creative, intoxicating and delicious, the wonderful passion for editorial and fashion that I used to love. 

 A pretty solid example of what I haven't kept up with: surrounding myself with inspiration. Tim Walker has the distinct privilege of having his own folder on my harddrive just for his ridiculously inspiring images. The last time I looked at them? 2010. Years. This has become an issue!

The reason for this rant is most definitely sparked by a recent interview with the wonderful Lara Jade. Meeting her and having the amazing opportunity to take her workshop has got to be one of the most ridiculously awesome experiences of my life to date, and I've gotta say that her work ethic and drive has been a constant inspiration pushing me to rediscover why it is that I love creative imagery. Check out the interview, go look at her body of work, and prepare to be inspired.

The bottom line of this crazy long-winded rant? Remind yourself of who you used to be. What you used to love. What used to make you tick. Because times change, and people change with them. With what I've gained, I've had equal losses and need to push to regain the ground I had once covered. INSPIRE YOURSELF TO DO MORE. And look back to when you can truly say you were in the thick of it: young, ambitious, and dream-driven. Get some of that back, and run like the wind.